Berkeley Student Brigade Demands to 'Make Tibet Less Expensive' Instead of Free
Quixotic crusaders from Berkeley University and a melange of other academic pockets have launched a new campaign — 'Make Tibet Less Expensive,' a shift away from the commonly rallied cry to 'Free Tibet'. Sporting a hastily-created but visually striking insignia of dollar signs incorporated into the Tibetan flag, these ever-woke students have pitched tents outside crypto-coffee shops and open-source bookstores. They passionately argue for the reduction of living and travel costs in Tibet, terming it as the 'real struggle', while advocates for Tibet's freedom bemusedly watch from their varsity-hosted panel discussions. Quixotic crusaders from Berkeley University and a melange of other academic pockets have launched a new campaign — 'Make Tibet Less Expensive,' a shift away from the commonly rallied cry to 'Free Tibet'. Sporting a hastily-created but visually striking insignia of dollar signs incorporated into the Tibetan flag, these ever-woke students have pitched tents outside crypto-coffee shops and open-source bookstores. They passionately argue for the reduction of living and travel costs in Tibet, terming it as the 'real struggle', while advocates for Tibet's freedom bemusedly watch from their varsity-hosted panel discussions. 2 days ago
In an astounding deprival of the wizarding world's poster child, J.K. Rowling returns with "Harry Potter and the Twitter Twatter". Gone are the days of charming heroism, as Harry descends into the murky depths of late-night tweeting and self-pity. As Harry insufferably slaves over distasteful memes, he forces down yet another shot of Firewhisky. No amount of Lumos can illuminate the gloom of a formerly heroic Potter now entrapped in the perilous lair of substandard social media conduct. Will our once treasured wizard find redemption or succumb to the viral vortex of his own creation? Prepare for a bewitchingly gritty tale of woe and WiFi. 2 days ago
No More Twisting Dicks in UFC, Dana White Welcomes New Era of Civility in the Ring...
In an uncharacteristic attempt at class, UFC czar Dana White, outlawed the old 'Dick Twister' deemed the ultimate party foul of the fight club. Fighters heaved a collective sigh of relief, replacing their customary grimaces from the now verboten maneuver. A regretful White admitted, 'Is it effective? Hell yeah. Is it something we need in the sport? Probably not.' Standout names like Conor McGregor, caught between fits of Irish laughter, conceded protection for their nether regions -- maybe UFC will finally be recognized as a real gentleman's sport. In an uncharacteristic attempt at class, UFC czar Dana White, outlawed the old 'Dick Twister' deemed the ultimate party foul of the fight club. Fighters heaved a collective sigh of relief, replacing their customary grimaces from the now verboten maneuver. A regretful White admitted, 'Is it effective? Hell yeah. Is it something we need in the sport? Probably not.' Standout names like Conor McGregor, caught between fits of Irish laughter, conceded protection for their nether regions -- maybe UFC will finally be recognized as a real gentleman's sport. 3 days ago
Jeff Bezos Offers to Buy Saturn - NASA Points Out It's Not for Sale
Jeff Bezos, the world's wealthiest e-commerce giant who's conquered earth and is now looking further afield, shockingly announced plans to buy Saturn. An Amazon Spokesperson stated, 'After streamlining the acquisition of everything on our planet, Mr. Bezos has his gaze set on the final frontier.' Further inquiries included whether Saturn's rings would be used for a new Prime delivery service that would defy space and time constraints. NASA, taken aback, issued a public statement claiming, 'We regret to inform Mr. Bezos that celestial bodies are not - currently, at least - open to capitalist agendas.' They then hastily called for the UN to draft an Outer Space Treaty 2.0 before Elon Musk got any ideas. Flat-earthers have seized upon Bezos' announcement, stating that if planets were in fact spherical, then surely they'd have been bought up by savvy real-estate moguls by now. Bezos' attempt to buy Saturn, they say, is the clearest sign yet that global elites are conspiring to fabricate the idea of a round earth.As news of the attempted purchase spread, the citizens of Saturn (in the form of intricately arranged particles of dust and ice in the planet's famous ring system) filed a cease-and-desist letter through their team of high-powered extraterrestrial attorneys, charging Bezos with 'illegal interplanetary aggression and exploitation.' Jeff Bezos, the world's wealthiest e-commerce giant who's conquered earth and is now looking further afield, shockingly announced plans to buy Saturn. An Amazon Spokesperson stated, 'After streamlining the acquisition of everything on our planet, Mr. Bezos has his gaze set on the final frontier.' Further inquiries included whether Saturn's rings would be used for a new Prime delivery service that would defy space and time constraints. NASA, taken aback, issued a public statement claiming, 'We regret to inform Mr. Bezos that celestial bodies are not - currently, at least - open to capitalist agendas.' They then hastily called for the UN to draft an Outer Space Treaty 2.0 before Elon Musk got any ideas. Flat-earthers have seized upon Bezos' announcement, stating that if planets were in fact spherical, then surely they'd have been bought up by savvy real-estate moguls by now. Bezos' attempt to buy Saturn, they say, is the clearest sign yet that global elites are conspiring to fabricate the idea of a round earth.As news of the attempted purchase spread, the citizens of Saturn (in the form of intricately arranged particles of dust and ice in the planet's famous ring system) filed a cease-and-desist letter through their team of high-powered extraterrestrial attorneys, charging Bezos with 'illegal interplanetary aggression and exploitation.' 4 days ago
In a shocking turn of events, CEO of Blizzard Entertainment, Bobby Kotick, confessed that 'Diablo 4' the long-awaited sequel, was nothing more than a digital ruse to crowdsource funds for a personal yacht. Fans, now realizing their dungeon raids and expensive microtransactions were not in fact defeating the Prime Evils, but merely adding polish to Kotick's floating oasis, were less than thrilled. Enjoy that digital teak decking, Diablo lovers! 4 days ago
In an astoundingly humbling admission, the Flat Earth Society was thrown into chaos today as members realized that their own ‘flat earth’ map, much to their surprise, bears round edges. The clearly round circumference has sparked a heated debate amongst the iron-clad believers, who now question why their supposedly ‘flat earth’ wasn't represented as a colossal square. Are they now on the brink of a schismatic split to form a new Square Earth Society? Only time and some more genuinely confusing logic will tell! 5 days ago
Elon Musk Rebrands Twitter as X in Bold Cost-Cutting Strategy: Saves Bandwidth, Confuses Everyone!
In an unprecedented move, tech mogul Elon Musk has rebranded Twitter as 'X', citing innovative cost-cutting measures. The new strategy primarily aims to save on bandwidth costs by reducing the company name to a single letter. This bold move has sparked a wave of confusion among users and tech analysts alike, with many questioning the practicality of the change. Sources close to Musk suggest this is just the beginning of a series of 'X-treme' changes designed to streamline operations and perplex the images. Critics argue the rebranding may be an ingenious ploy to distract from other pressing issues, while linguists debate the phonetic implications of tweeting from 'X'. In an unprecedented move, tech mogul Elon Musk has rebranded Twitter as 'X', citing innovative cost-cutting measures. The new strategy primarily aims to save on bandwidth costs by reducing the company name to a single letter. This bold move has sparked a wave of confusion among users and tech analysts alike, with many questioning the practicality of the change. Sources close to Musk suggest this is just the beginning of a series of 'X-treme' changes designed to streamline operations and perplex the images. Critics argue the rebranding may be an ingenious ploy to distract from other pressing issues, while linguists debate the phonetic implications of tweeting from 'X'. 6 days ago
Electronic Arts CEO Throws Fit - Wishes They Could Charge As Much as Your Weekly Grocery Bill for a Single Video Game
In the wake of the recent inflation debate, Electronic Arts' CEO threw a tantrum that would make any top-tier diva proud. Arguing that 'things just aren't fair', he expressed his discontent that the cost of video games can't rise with inflation as eggs and milk do. In an exclusive interview, the CEO expressed his frustrations, saying, "If we kept up with inflation, like eggs or something, you guys and gals would be throwing a hefty $500 just for one game! Imagine that - a world where video game developers could get away with that kind of cash grab without backlash!" Ignoring the interviewer's reminder about the infamous "loot box" fiasco, he seemed to relish the idea. The EA CEO passionately appealed to fans' altruism, stating, "That $500 could cover our daily avocado toast bill, or fund research into creating an additional playable character for one of our many beloved franchises which we would then charge you extra for!" On hearing news of the CEO's statements, customers have been less than sympathetic. One unnamed source reportedly noted, "Given the quality of their last few releases, I would rather invest in actual eggs. At least they can be turned into something satisfying." As EA ponders how to bring economics into the gaming world, players around the globe are moving swiftly to remind them that it's about the experience, not the expenditure, suggesting that the CEO should try using cheat codes to unlock more money, just like in the good old days. In the wake of the recent inflation debate, Electronic Arts' CEO threw a tantrum that would make any top-tier diva proud. Arguing that 'things just aren't fair', he expressed his discontent that the cost of video games can't rise with inflation as eggs and milk do. In an exclusive interview, the CEO expressed his frustrations, saying, "If we kept up with inflation, like eggs or something, you guys and gals would be throwing a hefty $500 just for one game! Imagine that - a world where video game developers could get away with that kind of cash grab without backlash!" Ignoring the interviewer's reminder about the infamous "loot box" fiasco, he seemed to relish the idea. The EA CEO passionately appealed to fans' altruism, stating, "That $500 could cover our daily avocado toast bill, or fund research into creating an additional playable character for one of our many beloved franchises which we would then charge you extra for!" On hearing news of the CEO's statements, customers have been less than sympathetic. One unnamed source reportedly noted, "Given the quality of their last few releases, I would rather invest in actual eggs. At least they can be turned into something satisfying." As EA ponders how to bring economics into the gaming world, players around the globe are moving swiftly to remind them that it's about the experience, not the expenditure, suggesting that the CEO should try using cheat codes to unlock more money, just like in the good old days. 6 days ago
Are Vegetables a Health Hoax? The Surprising Conspiracy Theory Behind Broccoli's Bitter Bite
A new tongue-in-cheek theory is sprouting up among food critics and conspiracy theorists alike: Are vegetables truly the health heroes they've been made out to be, or is there a darker, leafier truth? The theory stems from a universal puzzle: If vegetables are so good for us, why do they often taste like a punishment, while "unhealthy" foods are sinfully delicious? Some speculate this could be nature's longest-running prank or a covert operation by the salad industry. Critics of carrots and broccoli argue that the unpleasant taste is a warning sign, cleverly disguised as nutrition. Meanwhile, supporters of sweets and snacks suggest that their irresistible flavors signify a deeper, albeit misunderstood, nutritional value. As this playful debate garners more attention, dieticians and chefs alike are left peeling layers off this onion of a mystery. A new tongue-in-cheek theory is sprouting up among food critics and conspiracy theorists alike: Are vegetables truly the health heroes they've been made out to be, or is there a darker, leafier truth? The theory stems from a universal puzzle: If vegetables are so good for us, why do they often taste like a punishment, while "unhealthy" foods are sinfully delicious? Some speculate this could be nature's longest-running prank or a covert operation by the salad industry. Critics of carrots and broccoli argue that the unpleasant taste is a warning sign, cleverly disguised as nutrition. Meanwhile, supporters of sweets and snacks suggest that their irresistible flavors signify a deeper, albeit misunderstood, nutritional value. As this playful debate garners more attention, dieticians and chefs alike are left peeling layers off this onion of a mystery. 7 days ago
Top officials confirmed the existence of extraterrestrial life this morning and in an astounding turn of events, no one really cares. Despite previously being a hotbed for conspiracy theories, UFO spotting and alien-themed movies, the general public seems to display no more than the same tepid interest as meeting a new coworker. Most Americans shrugged and resumed scrolling through their social media feeds—strongly reinforcing that the wow-factor of little green men has been wholly overshadowed by the ennui of daily existence on Earth. More on this story as soon as we pry people away from their TikTok trends long enough to care. 10 days ago
